


love is more thicker than forget

by sandymg



Series: Beach Verse [9]
Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: J-Squared, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-03-29
Updated: 2013-03-29
Packaged: 2017-12-06 22:06:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,684
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/740664
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sandymg/pseuds/sandymg
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared, Jensen, Danneel and Chad share a pre-Thanksgiving dinner at Jensen's mother's home. (a Jared beach!verse interlude)</p>
            </blockquote>





	love is more thicker than forget

**Author's Note:**

> **Notes:** Story title from the poem _love is more thicker than forget_ by E.E. Cummings.  
>  **Disclaimer:** This is fiction. No harm intended. No profit made.

_**(a Jared interlude)** _

“Of course I’d bring out the good dishes if it were truly the holiday,” Donna says with a teeth-bright smile that should warm but ends up having the opposite effect.

Jared blinks because the table is set as elegantly as a fine restaurant and if this is supposed to be the ordinary … what does the special look like? He turns his head slowly, taking in the odd collection of people seated around the perfectly appointed dining room table of his boyfriend’s mother. There’s Danneel, auburn curls framing her stunning face, makeup applied as if she did that for a living, and a smile plastered on with crazy glue. Chad is here. Jared isn’t sure yet exactly how that came to be except Jensen’s mother had insisted that, of course, Jared’s roommate should join them. And Jared has been with Jensen long enough to realize you don’t say no to Donna.

And then, there’s Jensen.

Freckles faded now that the frost of fall is with them for good. His paler skin makes his eyes impossibly large in his perfect face. How does that song go? _Fucking perfect_. Yeah, that was Jensen. At least on the outside.

“It looks beautiful, Mom,” Jensen says softly, his eyes shifting up to gauge his mother’s expression across the table.

“Well, if your boyfriend can’t spend Thanksgiving with you … then we have to make do the best we can.”

Jared feels Jensen’s flinch as if it is his own. Damn her. It’s not that Jared wants to spend Thanksgiving apart from Jensen. However, Jared’s family is going to his grandparents’ home this year which means Texas instead of Pennsylvania. It’s going to be a huge family reunion and both he and Jensen agree that meeting the entire Padalecki clan at once would be way too intense. Instead, Jensen will meet Jared’s folks in Philadelphia in a couple weeks.

Jared would have introduced him sooner but Jensen … well, Jensen is shy, to use his own words. Scared shitless, if Jared were to characterize it.

Danni speaks up, “Jared has a large family gathering this year that’s been planned for nearly eighteen months.”

Jensen looks down and says nothing and Jared squeezes his knee under the table but it doesn’t get much of a response, so Jared moves his hand away with a silent sigh. Every visit with Jensen’s mother means hours of repair work afterward. Jared can admit it’s draining. He wonders for a moment why he endures this. Then he thinks of Jensen, and the wonder that comes over Jared when Jensen opens up. The naked honesty shining out of his eyes directed at Jared. The handful of times Jensen’s let himself say ‘I love you.’ It’s never a throwaway. Never a greeting or parting line. Each instance, it spills from his lips like lava shooting out a volcano. Like he can’t not say it. And it hits Jared’s heart like a wave, filling every empty spot he never knew he had.

Yeah. Jensen is worth it.

Donna rises and returns a few moments later with a platter holding a turkey. Jared’s jaw drops slightly. It’s glistening gold with burnt umber edges and surrounded by vegetables and garnishes in a food magazine display of artistry.

Jensen catches Jared’s gape and leans in. “Mom likes presentation.”

Jensen follows his mother into the kitchen to return with bowls of side dishes. Jared looks at Chad who is grinning like a kid. “Looks great,” he enthuses.

“Do you need help?” Jared asks Donna and Jensen.

“We got it,” they answer simultaneously and share a rare smile.

Jensen loves her, Jared reminds himself. And maybe she loves him back. Even if her way of showing it is ludicrous.

Everyone digs in and there’s only the splotch of potatoes hitting plates, the clack of knives, and the soft squish of chewing.

Chad begins the conversation again. “Mrs. Ackles. This is incredible. You could win _Top Chef_.”

Jensen’s mother pulls her napkin from her lap to dab gently at her mouth before speaking. “Why, thank you. And please, call me Donna.” She gives that judgmental smile. “So you and Jared live together?” Her eyes narrow and Jared feels Jensen’s arm stop mid-arc on the way to bringing his fork to his lips.

Chad remains oblivious to any implications. “Yep. Met at Penn and moved down here to the shore when Jay hadda come find himself.”

Donna’s eyes stay steady on Chad. “You followed Jared here from Pennsylvania?”

Chad smiles brightly. “Yeah. Thought, why not? Figured I could use the break myself. Who wouldn’t want to spend all summer on the beach? ‘Course it’s been a little longer than I thought.” The smile is now directed at Jared. “I think Jared found more than just himself.”

Jared can’t help but smile back at that, his hand automatically brushing lightly against Jensen’s.

“Oh, that must have been … difficult for you.” All eyes jump to Donna. Jared can see Danneel’s lips starting to purse in annoyance. Jensen vibrates slightly and studies the cloud of mashed potatoes on his plate like they contain a coded meaning.

Chad remains oblivious. “Whatcha mean?”

“Well …” Donna dabs at her lips again. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have spoken of it.” Then she chuckles. To a stranger it would sound amused, perhaps flirtatious, but Jared’s heard that laugh before and he tenses, waiting for the claw to strike.

“We’ve all had that one unrequited relationship. Someone moving on, despite our best wishes.” Her eyes turn to Jensen. “Nothing lasts forever.”

Chad finally gets Donna’s meaning and starts sputtering. “What? No … Mrs … Donna … Jay and I … we aren’t. We never … okay, that time in college … but … “

Jensen stiffens and his eyes move from Jared to Chad and back, icing over, turning from golden grass to hard emerald. Jared doesn’t know what to do. Here is not the time to get into dumb shit from the past. He’s shaking his head minutely at Chad _please shut up_ and just wants the last three minutes to vanish.

Danneel, god bless her, takes over. “Mrs. A., Jay and Chad are just friends. Jay’s with Jensen and they’re good together.” Jared hears the barest reproof in her tone. “Just be happy for him.”

Donna looks at Danni with genuine amazement. Jensen’s mother is either the greatest actor in the world or so split in the head that her reality is totally fluid. “I am, dear. Of course, I am.” Donna pats Jensen’s hand where it sits limply on the table. “Didn’t I tell you that Jared was a keeper.”

Jensen doesn’t say anything and Jared knows that Jensen’s stuck on Chad’s college revelation, churning his mother’s words, the dramatic way she characterized Chad following Jared from Pennsylvania. None of it is true. It was a one-time drunk experience, it’s nothing in the scheme of things. Hell, there were many other relationships Jensen could choose to get jealous about instead of a single, sloppy hand job.

But he has to table all of that because Donna is in no way done.

“I’m delighted you found someone as sweet as Jared,” Donna continues. Her eyes grow wistful. “Of course, these things always start out sweet.” She sighs, letting the rest go unsaid.

“Did you add anything new to the potatoes Mrs. A? They’re really good,” Danni says, trying to get off this track.

“No. They are the same way I always make them. I just don’t use as much salt as your mother, dear. You can taste the food better that way.” She smiles pleasantly through the insult and Jared marvels once more at the dichotomy between her expression and her words.

Putting her fork down, Donna lifts her water glass to her lips. She wipes the red lipstick mark off before sipping but leaves another one in its wake. “You know, Jensen, Thanksgiving was the last holiday your father and I shared.” She looks at the glass still in her hand, eyes scrunching as if surprised that the stain she just rubbed off has reappeared.

Chad’s eyebrows are in his hairline because Jared had warned him never to bring up Jensen’s father, it’s a tender spot. Jared risks a look at Jensen beside him. His boyfriend meets his mother’s eyes coolly, as if they were discussing the weather. “I know.”

Donna looks around conspiratorially in a way that Jared has seen before. It’s oddly intimate no matter how many people are involved. As if she’s bringing them all in on a secret. “Jensen’s father left, well, when I found out--“

“That you were giving birth to the most wonderful man I know.” Jared doesn’t realize he’s interrupted until the words are out. But then he sucks in air and doesn’t give a damn. Because it is true. Because Jensen has grown up with a mother who head-games as a pleasure sport and somehow is still able to love … to love Jared. More than Jared has ever felt loved before. Not that the idiot has a clue how he holds Jared’s heart.

Donna’s eyes flash hard, like the sky at the start of a quick frost. She laughs heartily. “A keeper, Jensen, like I said.” She turns her attention back to Chad.

“You are going with Jared, I understand, to the Padalecki family Thanksgiving gathering?” Jared wants to crawl across the table and physically muzzle her, but of course, all he can do is sit and feel the waves of anxiety shiver through Jensen’s body.

Chad nods, eyes darting back and forth between Jensen and Jared before answering. “Yeah. I … my parents will be away this year and Jay said there’s always room.”

Dammit. Jared knows that inviting Jensen now would sound convenient and put Jen on the spot and won’t help end this conversation. Weeks ago he’d discussed this with Jensen, and they’d agreed that as Jensen hadn’t met any of Jared’s family so far, the craziness of a family reunion wouldn’t be the best time.

Donna twists her agreement with the open-door sentiment into another dig at her son. “I always say there’s room at the table. Remember all the times Danni ate with us? And then later Steve and Chris and that boy … Tyler, wasn’t it? But he didn’t seem to come around for long.”

Jared ignores her and speaks quietly to Jensen. “There is no one I’d want to spend Thanksgiving with more than you. You know that, right?”

Jensen nods yes but his eyes are crystal walls and Jared seriously feels distressed enough to cry.

“How’s work at the gym?” Danni breaks the awkward silence.

Both Chad and Jared start to reply at the same time and Jared grins tightly, motioning for Chad to go first. “Good,” he says, poking absently at the ever diminishing pile of food on his plate. “We’re starting some new classes you might be interested in.”

“Yeah?” Danni asks.

“Kickbox pilates,” Jared answers.

“And Jay has a killer Spin routine he wants to try out. You game?”

Danni laughs, pushes her now empty plate slightly forward. “After a huge meal like this I’d better get to the gym.”

Jared internally flinches, waiting for the barb he expects from Donna, despite how ridiculous it would be because Danneel is gorgeous. It’s quiet though. He thinks they are out of the woods and then Donna does speak up. “You take such good care of your body,” she says directly to Jared. He flushes a little because she’s perusing him in a way that feels like a bad touch.

Her glance shifts and she’s looking at her son. Jared’s jaw tightens. “Jensen is lucky to have a quick metabolism. And I instilled good eating habits. That’s key. All the exercise in the world can’t make up for putting garbage in one’s body.”

A sort-of compliment – directed at Jensen. For a second Jared can only stare. But he recovers quickly. “Jensen’s been influencing me to eat better.”

“That’s good. It’s important. Genetics will get you only so far.” She looks down at herself. “And life, well, one can’t fight that. I had Danni’s figure until …”

Nobody says anything and Jared gives Jensen’s hand a squeeze despite the resistance he feels beneath his palm.

“You’re still beautiful, Mom,” Jensen says, voice certain, and Jared meets Danni’s hazel stare, watching it turn fond and sad and just a little helpless before she blinks hard and looks at her empty plate instead.

Jensen turns his palm face up beneath Jared’s, interlacing their fingers and the love he feels for this man grows impossibly stronger.

“Thank you, sweetheart,” Donna says, eyes a shining blue, deeper than the ocean Jared loves. And Jared tries to get it. Wants to understand their insane relationship. Knows it’s too easy to dismiss it as erratic and dysfunctional. Jared knows that Danni’s soul hurts with the belief that his mother damaged Jensen in ways that can’t be fixed. Perhaps Donna did.

And yet Jared knows that Jensen is not broken. Jensen hides, that’s true. He’s barricaded his vulnerability behind reflective steel. But in unguarded moments he reveals himself – through his art, his solitude, the way he worships Jared’s body, the way he inadvertently blurts out admissions that touch Jared in ways he can’t even describe.

“Well …” Chad says, turning down Donna’s offers of seconds. “That was one of the most delicious meals I’ve had in or out of any holiday. You up for a crowd at Christmas? ‘Cause I’m in.”

Jared’s eyes widen, because Chad isn’t shy but Jared can’t fathom that Chad just invited himself to Donna’s home for dinner. He knows Chad will be back with his own family in Pennsylvania for Christmas. Jared’s planning on being home on Christmas Day, since neither of his siblings will be there when Jensen meets Jared’s parents in two weeks.

“We can maybe have a pre-Christmas dinner here with all of us, if you and Jay would like,” Jensen says. “That’s okay, Mom, right?”

Donna smiles. “Yes. That would be fine. Jared, will you be with your family for Christmas?” Jared nods, nerves unconsciously heightening. Donna licks her lips. “Will you be with Danni?” she asks Jensen.

Jensen starts and stares at his mother. “I thought … don’t you want me here?”

“I’ll be in Florida. Didn’t I tell you?” She huffs a false little laugh. “Margaret invited me.”

Jared’s never heard of Margaret and he absolutely thought Jensen would be with his mother. That was the only reason he hadn’t invited Jensen to return with him to Pennsylvania for Christmas. He glances worriedly at Danni who is frowning.

“I … My folks will be on vacation and I made plans … “ Danni stutters.

Chad is staring at all of them with pity, and Jared’s heart jumps a staccato beat in his chest.

Jensen’s voice is flat. “It’s okay. Not the first Christmas I spent on my own.”

“No,” Jared says. He isn’t sure what he’s saying no to exactly. Just that this isn’t going down this way.

Jensen fully looks at Jared now. His face is determined. “It’s not a big deal. Mom heads to Florida every other year at least. Those years I either crash Danni’s family dinner or hang on my own. It doesn’t bother me. You know I like my alone time. I’ll paint. You should be with your family.”

Jared stares straight into Jensen’s shielded eyes. “We’re spending Christmas together.”

Jensen blushes, hating to argue in public. “I … I’ll head to the beach. It’s good for my head. We’re seeing your family a few weeks before Christmas. I don’t want to change that.”

“We are spending Christmas together,” Jared repeats, eyes locked on Jensen’s, everyone else invisible.

“No. You should be with your family.”

“Yes,” Jared agrees. “You.” He pauses until his words register and he reiterates, “We’re spending Christmas together.”

Jensen ducks his head in the diffident move that drives Jared insane in the best way. “Your family will hate me for keeping you away at Christmas.”

Jared lifts Jensen’s head back up, finger barely touching his chin. “No. They most certainly will not hate you. They could never hate anyone I love.”

It’s too much. Jared can feel the heat radiating off Jensen’s face and isn’t surprised when Jensen pushes his chair back and excuses himself.

Jared looks back up and has to stifle a laugh at how everyone is pointedly not looking at him. After a moment Donna clears her throat. “Who is ready for desert?”

That breaks the tension and everyone starts speaking at once. Jared agrees to help Donna bring dessert plates from the kitchen.

Sometimes Jensen needs a little time to himself, so Jared admires Donna’s cake. It looks like it came from a fancy bakery, but he knows she piped every icing curlicue herself.

“It’s clear Jensen got his creativity from you.”

Donna seems surprised, and smiles sweetly at the compliment. “It’s just a cake,” she says, uncharacteristically humble. But he can see the pride under her gaze.

Jared hears Jensen’s voice and knows that Jensen’s returned to the dining room. He can’t help but smile as he turns back to rejoin him. A smooth hand lands on his arm and he looks down into Donna’s bright stare. “He’s not like me,” she begins. “Jensen,” she clarifies at Jared’s puzzled gaze. “I’m strong. Had to be to raise a child alone with a mother who only judged and a town that only pretended to accept. I tried to brace him for the world. But he’s … sensitive. Artistic.” These characteristics are uttered as if they leave a bad taste in her mouth.

Jared wants to contradict, to say that those are the things he adores about Jensen but she keeps talking before he can solidify his thoughts.

“When his father left I let myself cry for one day.” Her eyes are so bright now that Jared almost thinks they are tear-filled. But her voice is rock steady. “One day. And then I told myself to move on. To deal. To plan for the life growing in me. To accept.”

Anxiousness wiggles up Jared’s spine as he doesn’t know where this is going, has no clue what she wants him to understand from this confession.

After an endless minute she releases his arm and chortles slightly. “Never thought I’d be one of those parents who gives the _what are your intentions?_ speech.”

Jared’s eyes grow huge. Because. What?

“He’s not like me,” she repeats. “He’s all in. Was that way with Danni since the day he met her when he was hardly as tall as my knee. I fancied myself in love with Jensen’s father but one day after he left, I let him go.” Her voice is sober. “It won’t be like that for Jensen.”

Jared’s eyes harden. “I’m not going anywhere.”

“It’ll be me and Danni that’ll have to pick up the pieces,” she says as if Jared hadn’t spoken.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

She stares at Jared a little longer, turns and picks up the cake, and walks into the dining room without another word.

Jared stays, somewhat stunned. He couldn’t have seen that coming.

“Babe?” Jensen approaches, hesitantly brushes Jared’s arm.

“Hey.”

“You okay? Mom … did she say anything to—“

“No,” Jared quickly interrupts. “She was fine. We … had a good talk.”

Jensen eyes him nervously. “About what?”

Jared shakes his head, implying it’s not important. There are things he needs to clear up with Jensen before they fester. “Chad and I had one drunken partial hand job between us in our sophomore year. Never repeated. He’s straight. We’re good friends and roommates. That’s it.”

“I didn’t think—“

“Whether you did or didn’t. That’s the truth. Maybe I should have brought it up, but honestly I haven’t even thought about it in years. It was a five minute blip.”

“It’s a good thing your staying power is longer now,” Jensen quips, eyes smiling and Jared releases a long breath.

He smiles back brightly, leans in to barely kiss Jensen’s lips. “Jen?”

“Hmm?”

“Your mom …”

Jensen immediately tenses.

“No … I mean, she’s … okay.”

“Okay?” Jensen questions.

Jared nods. “Yeah. She is. And … I’ll forever be grateful to her no matter what.”

Jensen blushes as he always does when Jared goes mushy and Jared melts a little more. “I love you.” Jared lays his hand lightly on Jensen’s shoulder.

“I … me, too,” Jensen replies as the color on his cheeks deepens. He takes a deep breath and Jared waits. He knows that patience is rewarded with Jensen. “About Christmas … “

Jared tilts his head in inquiry but doesn’t say anything, instead he silently wills his boyfriend to speak his mind.

“I would like … to be with you.”

Heart pounding, Jared can’t help but draw Jensen into a hug. Acknowledging what he wants is a huge admission from Jensen. And he wants Jared.

“We can … go back to Pennsylvania,” Jensen adds.

Who needs ‘I love you’ when his lover says something like that?

“No, Jen. I’ll see them over Thanksgiving and on our trip together. I want to spend Christmas with you. We’ll go to the beach and you’ll show me everything you’d do alone. Only. You won’t be.”

Jared spots Donna over Jensen’s shoulder. Their eyes meet briefly before she turns back, leaving them alone.

Jensen is quiet but he’s holding on tight and his lips brush Jared’s ear lobe, body firm but vibrating with quiet emotion. “I’m thankful for you,” Jensen whispers.

And Jared holds on, oddly at peace with the mercurial woman who produced this amazing man.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 **love is more thicker than forget**  
by e.e. cummings

love is more thicker than forget  
more thinner than recall  
more seldom than a wave is wet  
more frequent than to fail

it is most mad and moonly  
and less it shall unbe  
than all the sea which only  
is deeper than the sea

love is less always than to win  
less never than alive  
less bigger than the least begin  
less littler than forgive

it is most sane and sunly  
and more it cannot die  
than all the sky which only  
is higher than the sky

**Author's Note:**

> beta: borgmama1of5


End file.
